Thursday, October 1, 2009

Unemployment - the California Training Benefits Debacle

Unemployment - the California Training Benefits Debacle: Is the Government Encouraging Me to Drop Out?
 
In February, my dreams of becoming a successful financial advisor with the prestigious firm, Merrill Lynch, were abruptly destroyed when I was laid off. As was widely publicized, Merrill Lynch had gone under and Bank of America "saved the day". As a result, those of us in the FA training program were let go.
Three years earlier, I had moved to California from New York City having transferred from the back offices of the financial firm UBS to join a successful financial advising team in Newport Beach where I quickly obtained my licenses. After two years working with the team, I realized it was a good time for me to begin building my own practice and I was excited to be accepted into what was then known as the best financial advising training program in the industry at Merrill Lynch having no idea that 9 months later the US economy would crash and I would be unemployed.
I consider myself a resilient woman with a strong work ethic and an instinct to survive and push onward. After the initial shock, the sadness, the anger, the gambit of emotions - I decided this was a perfect time to re-evaluate my options. I had been in finance for 5 years and prior to that had a long and successful career as a Broadway performer. What did the two careers have in common? At first glance - the careers seem like extreme opposites. However, when taking a closer look, there is an inherent need to communicate and empathize with people in both careers. As an actress, I loved the opportunities I was given promoting the importance of reading and literacy in our schools. I loved challenging a person's assumptions about whether or not there is depth and validity in musical theatre. As a financial advisor, I was passionate about building a practice based in education - empowering my clients to understand their financial health.
When I reflected upon these "passion sparks" for my careers, I found that the logical option for me would be to pursue a career in education. More specifically, I was inspired to become a high school English teacher. I applied and was accepted to the University of California, Irvine teaching credential program, a highly respected, research driven, 9-month program. Getting accepted to the program was a feat in and of itself. Little did I know what was expected of me before classes began! I took and passed the CBEST exam and four CSET exams. I applied for Clearance, which requires a Live Scan. I took a TB test. All of this amounted to nearly (or approximately) $1000 cash investment, not to mention the hours spent studying and taking exams
I soon discovered that because I was going back to school, I would not qualify to receive unemployment benefits unless I requested to be interviewed for a program called California Training Benefits, a program that would allow me to continue to receive benefits while training for a new career if the program is completed in less than one year. Since UCI's teaching credential program is a nine-month program, I, naturally, believed this would be acceptable under the CTB program. I then requested the CTB information (which, incidentally, MUST be requested prior to one's 16th week of receiving benefits). At that time, my record was coded, even though I had not began classes. My benefits were frozen until an interview, scheduled for six weeks later, which was the earliest available appointment. This meant that, without warning, I no longer received any funds - the checks stopped coming. Yes, six weeks with no warning and no money.
By the time the interview day arrived, I was completely broke and hoping and praying that everything would be okay. My interviewer, Lina, called and asked a series of questions about my training program. Upon completion, I was not given any indication of whether or not I qualified.
The following Wednesday (September 30, 2009), I received two letters. One stated that I did not qualify for Unemployment Benefits because I am going to school. The other letter stated that I do not qualify for California Training Benefits because the training program would take longer than one year.
Again, UCI's teaching credential program is a nine-month program. When last I checked, 9 months is considered less than a year.
I have sent an appeal letter and am waiting - I have no idea how long - for the appeal process, with absolutely no money.
As I sit here writing this, I am in my assigned fieldwork observation high school, Ocean View High School in Huntington Beach. The students are watching a film version of "Great Expectations" and I love the smiles on their faces as they enjoy watching the story they have spent the last few weeks reading, with such difficult vocabulary, brought to visual life. It is a reward for them for making it this far. My two days per week here are a part of my fieldwork observation requirements this quarter. The rest of my week is filled with classes at UCI. Come January, I will actually be teaching these same students.
I wonder, as I sit here, is the government encouraging their "interviewers" to make these "mistakes" in hopes that people will not bother to appeal?
Are they really telling me to drop out?
Are they saying that rather than study at one of the best and most respected research based programs in the US and become an amazing high school English teacher, specializing in English Language Development in a state in which student's test scores are plummeting and over half of the student's in our public schools are English language learners - are they telling me I should STOP training in order to receive benefits and continue to apply and be rejected by financial firms such as Edward Jones because my credit score has been completely demolished? (By the way, I was amazed to find out that I cannot afford the $2000 needed to declare bankruptcy. Seriously, I need $2000 in order to declare that I have no money to pay my debts?)
I look at what I have written so far and I feel trapped. I honestly want to make a difference. I am choosing a career that pays around $25k per year to start. I sincerely want to teach in urban, economically challenged areas. I am enrolled in classes titled, "Cultural Diversity", "English Language Development", "Adolescent Development", "Learning to Learn From Teaching", "Teaching English in Secondary Schools", and "Classroom Management / Fieldwork Observation" for a total of 20 units this fall quarter. Am I trying to take advantage of the unemployment benefit? Please tell me. Am I missing something? I really need to know.
As of right now, I am enrolled full time in a UC school in a program that takes 9 months to complete and I am unable to receive benefits. I thought I was doing something to survive, to educate myself, to bring myself into a new and fulfilling career.
With the short sale of my fiancĂ©’s house, we will soon be homeless. I have no money to pay my car payment, pay for gas or for groceries. My student loans paid for my classes and books.
This feels wrong. How many other people are in similar situations and have given up?

Monday, July 6, 2009

Learning to Arms-length

Yesterday I came to the realization that I isolate when I am not doing very well not because I do not want to be around anyone but because I don't like bringing people down. When did I start "playing the victim"?
I can remember the first time I had ever heard someone use that phrase and it was directed right at me. I was in Chicago at the stage door of the Chicago Theatre. A woman I performed with, Mindy, had decided to confront me. I don't recall the whole scene or her reasoning, but she said to me that I needed to stop playing the victim. (Fast forward a few months to an audition in New York where she adamantly and angrily told me that I was wrong for putting "Belle" on my resume because I was only the understudy on the first tour. Clearly, she was not a fan of mine). She had the ability to wound me deeper than most. And I still wonder why.
I can also remember a moment from my junior year of college. A fellow student, Jamie, informed me that I would have a nervous breakdown by the time I was 30. I remember it all so clearly. We were crossing the street in Tucson - and in that moment, time seemed to have slowed down and the mixture of hurt and fear shot through me like mercury. I was shocked to silence.
Both of these instances are so vivid to me. Embarrassing. Clear as day. And they hurt so bad because they were the truth. Truth that came as venom from two women that were strong enough to lash out at me to my face. These moments altered me. This is so amazing to me because I would never have pegged Mindy and Jamie as two women whom I particularly admired or respected, for that matter. There was something scary about both of them. Something that made me want to stay at arms length.
Those biting reactionary moments seemed fleeting at the time. When you are the person shooting the dart, you really don't know the effect you are potentially having on another person.
Taking a breath, sleeping on it, thinking before we speak, being mindful, apologizing, forgiveness - these are all rare opportunities to bring oneself up to date. When I think about that alley in Chicago, I am not the 36 year old Danyelle, but rather the still mentally under developed 24 year old not sure if she deserved the role. When I remember crossing that street in Tucson, I am the confused and neurotic actress in training with absolutely no armour or self esteem to speak of.
Putting this in perspective these years later, I realize, that yes, I was in the habit of playing the victim - and even to this day I find myself liable to play the victim when confronted with mistakes - only now I have the ability to label that behavior and stop myself.
And, yep, I'd say I've had several nervous breakdowns in my thirties! Losing my grandfather, divorcing an alcoholic, changing careers twice, moving across the country - if it wasn't for nervous breakdowns, I don't think I would have made the many changes I have in the pursuit of happiness and serenity.
There is peace found in surrendering to the truth. The truth of those moments in my life is simply that, yes, I had and have faults. The lesson of those moments is stay the hell away from toxic people.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

My Cuppa

Morning. Coffee. Serious coffee. I'm not messing around. No Folger's trying to be fancy by calling itself Costa Rican blend. No way. I'm talking Pike's Place blend. I'm talking French Roast. Give me Starbucks. Bold coffee. I don't care if it's over roasted. If they've put some magical substance in it to make me crazy addicted. I love it. One cup is all I need... want. And I can tell the difference.
I know. It's a recession. I'm supposed to be ok with generic labels and Folgers. But I'm not. I can't take it. I just won't drink it. I tried. I tell you. I tried.
At least I'm buying my ten dollar bag of ground coffee (number 4 drip) and making it at home. That's recession-y, isn't it?
And then there is the creamer. I can't do sugar and milk. Ugh. It's gotta be french vanilla full on fatty sugary fakey goodness. NO WAY to the fat free crap. I just can't take it.
The morning can be hard enough with waking up. But give me Folger's-fake-lable-costa-rican-blend-with-sugar-free-fat-free-coffee-mate and I am a roaring b*tch in my head all day. This means I may be smiling at you, but that glimmer in my eye is not some special hidden joy, but rather a deepening only-child-I-didn't-get-what-I-want rage and I'd advise you to back the frak off.
But not today. Today I'm smiling satisfactorily knowing that I have my perfect cuppa at an easy reach. I can handle anything. I can host a friggin United Nations Summit if you asked me. I believe it's magic.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Guilt-Free June Gloom

Today I decided to give this a try. I have no idea why or if anyone will read this, but every now and then I have something I would like to say and apparently this can be a healthy way to go about sharing these thoughts and experiences. I am hesitant as the past five years in the finance industry have made me ultra paranoid regarding internet activity. I am also quite sure I will be guarded here as well for I am about to pursue a new career (career number three I might add) teaching high school English.
I would like to believe that a person can be forthcoming with thoughts and feelings and experiences without being offensive. Here goes...
This morning I am sipping coffee and feeling the lovely Huntington Beach morning breeze from which I gratefully praise the June marine layer - otherwise known as "June Gloom". As I sit here I am serenaded by the sound of happy Labradors chewing rawhide. Suddenly the familiar smell of "silent but deadly" fills the air and I am brought back to reality.
I am trying to take advantage of these last few days before grad school begins. I am trying to make lists, create some sort of a schedule, be disciplined, clean house, get to the gym, plan a wedding - you know, be perfect... but... sometimes, now more than ever, as August fast approaches, I want more than anything to watch bad '80's movies and read summer novels and bake banana bread. Rather than take the puppies on a nice walk - I want to lay with them and watch and smile as they soak up the attention. I know that my days of lazy home time are numbered and I struggle to find a guilt free way of allowing my inner disciplinarian to relax and enjoy.
So, as you struggle with your day of shoulds and should nots, know that you are not alone and remind yourself to be gentle.
Now, I'm off to do the laundry, the dishes, study for the CSET, head to the gym, finalize our wedding guest list, handle last minute admissions paperwork for school and plan dinner all while watching "The Breakfast Club" and "Pretty in Pink"... or.. maybe... just that last part... ?